Perfectly White
by time.forgets
Summary: Maybe if I lived you wouldn't want what I had become.' Ziva kills herself to save everyone at NCIS but instead of finally seeing her family she's stuck in heaven, or is it hell, with two people she thought she'd never see.
1. Chapter 1

A.N. I know I really shouldn't really be starting ANOTHER fic but I can't help it honest. So I might not update this one that much because my main concern is Spanish and Schoolgirls and then Endless but I had to write this down and I don't think there is a story like this yet (I may be mistaken) and this is only a prologue and I promise the rest of the story will be happier. So Review please! Even though its short and I will TRY and update soon.

Disclaimer- I dont own anyone or anything. Sad I know.

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Ziva smiled as best she could. She knew what she was doing would be debatable of whether it was right or not but at that moment she didn't care. She was stopping these men get the information they wanted and if someone had to die because of it the world would still turn.

She felt the familiar weight of the gun in her hands and wondered for the hundredth time wether the guard had simply let her take his weapon. She swore he flinched when she carefully removed it from its holster but he didn't stop and didn't say anything. It didn't matter though because everything was going to end exactly the same way anyway.

The man she presumed was in charge entered the room and she stilled her hand which was shaking with anticipation. He yanked off her Star of David, then grabbing her hair asked her for the last time about NCIS.

She smiled once again through the pain because what she was going to do next would guarantee that the information stayed away from this man.

She raised the gun and the expression on the man's face only pushed her to do it faster. Fear.

She felt no trace of fear as she held the gun where it wouldn't miss and what seemed like years but was only a second, she pulled the trigger.

Ziva David was dead before she hit the floor, a satisfied smile still on her face.


	2. Chapter 2

A.N. Hope this clears it up what's happening. Please review! I like this story and I'd like to know if you do aswell! Jules.

Disclaimer- I don't own anyone....only the white pizza

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"Is she awake yet?"

"Probably not, did you see what she went through before coming here!"

"There's been worse."

"Yeah not a lot though. Ooh I think her eyes just opened! Ziva? Ziva are you awake yet? Blink if you can hear me," Jenny Shepard said to the Israeli on the floor.

Ziva groaned loudly and blinked once. She couldn't remember what had happened and how she had gotten to this place but she felt like she had been hit by a truck. The floor was strangely comfortable though and even though she only had on what she thought was a t-shirt and her usual cargos she was comfortably warm.

"Where am I?" Ziva mumbled, slowly sitting up and looking around her. She was in a perfectly white room with perfectly white furniture except for a HUGE black TV that took up most of one wall.

"You're in heaven of course Ziva," Jenny replied, smiling at the younger woman who glared at her with alarming severity.

"Or hell," Kate Todd yelled from the large white sofa where she was laying. "We haven't worked it out yet have we Jen?"

Ziva shook her head. She must be knocked out because there was no way she was-

But then she remembered. Tony shooting Michael, them going to Israel, them leaving without her, her finishing Michael's mission, being taken by the Somalis and imprisoned in that room. They had wanted information about NCIS and she wasn't going to give it to them. She had shot herself.

"I'm sorry Jen but this is one sucky afterlife. I didn't want to see you or HER!" she yelled pointing to the agent who she had never even known but who had already been glaring at her the whole time. "I want to see Tali and Ari and Ima and all my friends. Where are they?" she asked, looking wildly around the room as if they would just appear because she wanted them there.

"See Jen, what did I tell you? No one wants to be stuck in here, there are always better places to go, better people to see. Too bad, you got us so deal with it," Kate snapped at Ziva who in turn started to get riled up and was ready to shout back when Jenny piped up loudly, probably knowing the fight that was about to come.

"Ziva I'm sorry but for some reason when we die we go to this room. We being people who have been on Gibbs team."

Ziva looked around them at the nearly empty room. "These are the only people he has lost in his team? What about Lee and Langer, or do they not count?"

"Oh they count," another voice answered from the white door as Agents Lee and Langer walked in carrying a pizza, white of course. What kind of hell was this that had white pizza? Ziva thought.

"Don't worry David," Agent Todd said as she walked towards Lee and the pizza. "It still tastes normal." And Ziva swore by the smile she gave her after she knew exactly what she had refrained from saying.

Just as she was about to help herself to the strange pizza the door opened again and in came another woman, rear first carrying what seemed to be a big, white cake.

"I managed to snag a chocolate cake guys!" said the excited voice of none other than Paula Cassidy.

When she saw Ziva she stopped dead and out of the corner of her eye Ziva could see Jenny inching towards the latest arrival as if she was trying to stop the inevitable act of the cake falling.

"Well David, long time no see."

Looking between the angry gaze of Cassidy and the smug one of Todd Ziva thought this was a whole new kind of hell.


	3. Chapter 3

A.N. Okay I hope this isn't too over-the-top but I had so much fun writing it so I hope you can see the same thing as I can =) Oh and PLEASE REVIEW!!

Disclaimer- I own nothing yada yada yada

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Jenny Shepard was generally a calm woman. She could stay in control of her emotion- except around Jethro of course but generally she fairly level headed and didn't often find the need to yell. But all of that had been thrown out of the window as soon as she had three of the world's most stubborn and fiery women locked up in the same room.

"What is going on here!?!" Jenny yelled as loud as she could, making two of the three women jump from their place on the couch. Ziva just stared straight ahead, a smug grin on her face; it fell away quickly at the sight of Jenny's face though. She was livid.

"Answer me!" she yelled once again and suddenly three voices were stuttering back her, each woman's voice drowned out by another two.

"I swear Jenny she started it, I would never"

"It was obviously their fault! Besides, this is nothing. You should be lucky they're not dead"

"Dead!? Ha David, I'd like to see you take me on! Then again maybe not, Jenny gets mad when I make people cry," Kate said venomously at the fuming Mossad officer.

"You realise I am a MOSSAD ASSASSIN!" Ziva yelled back, getting louder and louder. "And that you would be lucky to escape a simple fist flight without me killing you let alone crying."

"Where did you learn your English anyway? It's fist FIGHT not fist flight and-"

"SHUT UP!" Jenny yelled once again over the top of them. "I don't care whose fault this is, you are all going to clean it up TOGETHER," and with that she marched back out of the room in search of a little piece and quiet. _Oh, _she thought to herself. _This is definitely hell._

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Back in the white room all the women were looking everywhere but at each other which meant Ziva was staring straight at the mess of white feathers.

"I don't know why you saw fit to start a pillow fight Todd," she said acidly.

"_I don't know why you saw fit to start a pillow fight Todd_," Paula mimicked, her voice taking on a whiny tone.

"Shut up!" Kate yelled at the now glaring agent.

"Why should I shut up?" Paula yelled back, fire in both of their eyes. "You're the one who started the pillow fight. Now look what we have to do!"

"Oh Cassidy can't you manage cleaning up a few feathers?" Ziva cooed wanting to get back in the action.

"Can't you manage to shut up? It was your fault. You pulled out your knife which really got us into trouble. That was a big mistake," Paula shot back, an almost smile on her face betraying how much she was enjoying the yelling match.

"If you want to know about mistakes why don't you ask your parents?" Kate asked innocently, the smile on her face huge from knowing she had won this round; until Paula launched herself on top of her that was.

Ziva stood back watching the two grown women fight like ten-year olds until with a yell, she was grabbed by the front of her shirt and pulled in to join.

The yelling seemed to increase until Ziva had both women pinned beneath her a smile once again on her emotionless face.

"What was that about you making me cry, Todd?" Ziva asked, her voice tinkling with the laughter she wouldn't let out.

"I'll make you may for this David!" Kate spat out, her face inches from the floor. "And when I do it will not be pretty."

"Of course it won't," Paula spoke up. "It will involve you two."

Kate and Ziva let out a yell and suddenly the white door opened and in walked Jenny.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!" she screeched feeling like the mother of a bunch of unruly ten year old boys, not friends with three fully grown, and she thought mature, women.

"Paula started it," Kate said instantly, trying to look up from Jenny but she couldn't thanks to the hold Ziva had her in.

"I don't care who started it, I'm finishing it. Now, you will do what I asked before and clean this mess up but this time I will be here watching so if you even THINK of trying to do something stupid you will be punished even more. Do we understand each other?" she ended, glaring at each of the agents in turn.

"I SAID DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!"

"Yes!" they all shouted back, really starting to get worried at the state Jenny was in. She never got THIS mad.

"Now, Officer David get off Agents Todd and Cassidy and get your butt over there cleaning up."

With quiet groans, all three women got up slowly and reculently rounded up all the perfectly white feathers.

It was times like these that Jenny Shepard wished God gave out perfectly white Asprin.


	4. Chapter 4

A.N. I know it's been forever since I updated and this chapter is hell short but I've seemed to be catching every sickness that comes around- thus tucked up in my bed with water and many Panadol. Please review! I hope this lives up to peoples expectations!! REVIEW!

Disclaimer- I don't own anything- except for a few perfectly white Panadol ;)

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_"Now, Officer David get off Agents Todd and Cassidy and get your butt over there cleaning up."_

_With quiet groans, all three women got up slowly and reculently rounded up all the perfectly white feathers._

_It was times like these that Jenny Shepard wished God gave out perfectly white Asprin._

They were all silently cleaning up the feather glaring at each other when they knew Jenny wasn't watching when all of a sudden Ziva heard her voice being called. Not by anyone in the room but from an achingly familiar voice she thought she would never hear again.

There were many things going through Ziva's head at that moment but one stood out from the rest.

_Not Tony too._

Then what felt like a giant hook tugged her somewhere around her belly button and she was flying through nothing perfectly white before she was standing in the bullpen as always.

She blinked and shook her head, trying to pop her ears- she felt as if she had gone from light speed to zero in no time at all.

Then she saw Tony.

Maybe everything that had happened with Mossad, Michael, Tony and her father was all just one long horrible dream and now she was back ready for work. That made sense and she smiled slightly at the strange dream before turning to face the voice she had just heard.

"Shalom Tony."

He looked up, surprise written all over his face which quickly turned into happiness and then shock.

"Ziva," he whispered so low she could barely hear it. "Not you too."

And it hit her just as Tony launched himself off his chair to stand directly in front of her.

Tears started trailing down his cheek and she didn't know how to comfort him; it was there was solid air surrounding him completely and she gently lifted her hand until it was as close to his cheek as she could get. It was the way she always calmed him down when he was feeling crazy.

'I knew this was going to happen. I knew it Ziva _Damnit! _Why didn't you stay here? You were safe here." But she couldn't answer him, her words were stuck in her throat.

"I am so sorry Tony. For everything," and she smiled again before looking at him playfully. She didn't want to be sad; she didn't know how long she would be able to stay here.

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Back in the perfectly white room Kate had started screaming at the TV.

"He doesn't cry when I die does he? Just PICTURES ME NAKED!"

Jenny was trying to calm her down, telling her stories of what the pair had been through but Kate didn't seem to be listening, instead glaring at the two agents and they shamelessly flirted but with a serious undertone that she had never seen Tony use.

Kate was too absorbed in the TV but Paula was listening intently to what the red-head was saying. How come Ziva was thought of as a saint by everyone but her and Kate? Ziva had been horrible to her that day she lost her team, the one day she really didn't need it. The fights had seemed good at the time; the ice cold glares being sent across the room seemed to make her memories of that day fade if only slightly. But it didn't matter- the woman was still a bitch.

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"Just remember that your life would have had more meaning if you had slept with me," he said with his classic DiNozzo grin and Ziva had to put her head back and let out a deep laugh; the one she only used when she was genuinely happy. Tony remembered trying to make her laugh like that as many times as he could. He ended up getting thirteen times in one night.

She winked at him her smile widening until it got to the point where he was pretty sure she was going to harm him in some way- that was the only time she smiled that big.

"Well Tony, maybe if I had lived I would have."

"Well Ziva, maybe if you had lived I would have let you."

"Maybe if I had lived you wouldn't want what I had become."

And then she was flying through perfectly white.

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_review please._


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N. Okay so this chapter kind of took off by itself and I like it but it wasn't what I was expecting for this story. Oh well, I hope you like it and I hope it's not....too confusing. If it is then just yell at me in a review and I'll try and clear stuff up though I must admit I am rather confused as well =P Anyway, on with the chapter. Sorry it's short but PLEASE REVIEW! I have some stuff after this already written so it shouldn't take too long to UD!**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing....**

**P.S. Quite a few people asked for Pacci to be in the story and so I watched the episodes he was in but found he was only in one episode alive and then one dead. Correct me if I'm wrong but his bit in the episode he was in was tiny! Not much character to work with though I will put him in. I just wanted to clarify that they were the only two episodes he was in because when I first heard of him it sounded like he was a bigger character....**

"What the hell was that?" Ziva asked while shaking her head, trying to rid her ears of the bubbles that had appeared thanks to the weird travel she had just endured. She was back in the perfectly white room.

She remembered Tony's face at her parting statement. Had he seen the shadows of the injuries they had caused on her face? Even if he had they were nothing compared to what she had suffered inside; and now, because she couldn't live through the torture he had to suffer too. Suffer knowing that because of his actions she stayed behind, knowing that because of his actions she had died. God she hoped he knew she had forgiven him before it even started because she knew what living with that guilt was like.

"That will happen for a few more days. By the end of it you'll want to tear your hair out. On the one hand you get to see your friends and get to see how they're coping and sometimes helping them but you also know that it will be the last time you will see them up close. The last time you can be with them. Not to mention what I had to go through. I mean I was expecting DiNozzo but McGee?!"

It appeared that Kate was off in her own world which made sense. There was no way the agent would have let that much out on purpose. Not when the feelings she was expressing went so deep.

But she snapped out of it and then started on Ziva.

"I don't see what's so special with you anyway. Why should Tony be crying? He didn't cry with me, no instead I got his weird school-girl fantasies. Oh well, sure Tony might care for you more but it doesn't matter. No one else has said your name, no one else cares about you so what do I care if DiNozzo is a little teary-eyes at your demise.

Ziva breathing picked up, her eyes were balls of fire as she glared at Kate.

"They do care," she whispered so low and venomously everyone was surprised that Kate didn't physically feel it.

"Well they haven't even asked about you. Sure while you at NCIS they didn't mind you but when you left them for Mossad you became another bad memory. They don't need to care anymore, they don't want to care."

"I am going to kill you Todd!" Ziva screamed, her anger finally reaching a boiling point. She stood glaring at the other agent fury raging in her eyes.

"Too late, your bastard of a brother took care of that."

Ziva didn't know how Kate knew that Ari was her brother; the only thing she cared about was causing the woman as much pain as she possibly could.

She was a violent woman but this went to a new level. She wanted to rip the other woman's throat out because then her words might hurt her as much as they were hurting Ziva.

She didn't notice that Jenny and Paula were holding her back, didn't notice that Langer, Lee and another person she didn't know had rushed into the room to help the two women but she did notice one thing; the way her fist were beating into Kate's body and although the older woman was screaming in pain there was no blood, no evidence that Ziva was even doing anything. The floor remained perfectly white so she kept on going until the perfectly white room turned black.

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review!


	6. Chapter 6

A.N. Okay it's been AAAAAAAAAGES and this chapter isn't amazing so I'd understand if there weren't any reviews but I really liked this story and I had a mental breakthrough with it that my other stories are lacking at the moment. So if you do read then please review because even though I will probably put another chapter even if you don't I will be happier if you do!

Disclaimer: I own no one =(

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Jenny couldn't believe it. She had known Ziva for a long time, she, ironically enough, owed her life to her and she trusted her more than anyone else. She had also known Kate now for a few years and up in the perfectly white those few years stretched out so they felt like lifetimes. Why was it then that the two women who she was sure would get along perfectly were both lying on the floor, Kate still trying to recover from Ziva's attack and Ziva passed out from all the emotion and pain. They were a sorry sight to see.

She couldn't stand it anymore so with a quick sad glance at the two women on the floor she opened the perfectly white door and walked through, trying as hard as she could to leave all her problems there.

Everyone slowly walked out after that, not wanting to be around when Ziva woke up, the confrontation between the two had been ugly and personal and no one wanted to see it again.

Kate took one last look at the younger woman who was just starting to wake up, her eyes glassy and movements sluggish. Not wanting to stay around with her she quickly left the room, opening the perfectly white door and leaving the broken woman to her thoughts.

Ziva was awake as everyone walked out but her thoughts were flying all around her head that there was no way she could get up even if she wanted to and eternity was starting to feel like a hell of a long time.

She slowly stood up, ignoring the dizziness that overtook her as she headed for the door. Why hadn't she thought of it before? Everyone had disappeared through there so it must lead to somewhere else, someone else.

She turned the perfectly white handle and kicked the perfectly white door angrily when it didn't turn. Her kicking turned frantic and soon she was using all her force to try and open the door so she could escape this hell and with a final anguished scream she fell back onto the perfectly white couch, tears slipping down her face even though she tried to stop them and staining the perfectly white floor grey.

She could feel the sobs overtaking her body. She didn't like to cry, she hated it. Only once had she broken down in front of Tony, a couple more times on front of Gibbs but the man had a way of seeing straight through her.

She didn't even know what she was crying about anymore. It had started off about Tali and Ima and Ari and how she so desperately wanted to see them. That was the one thing that had kept her going all those years, was knowing that when she eventually passed on she would be able to see them again and now that wasn't the case. But her tears had morphed into something else again. Tears for the fact that the team didn't even know she was dead, tears that her father had set up to kill her and tears for the fact that she had to watch the grief on all of their faces everyday she didn't return Tony's calls. She cried for the life she would never had, the friendship she had been building with Tony and how it had all come crashing down around their heads and how she would never be able to tell him she was sorry and that on the day before she killed herself he was the only one on her mind. She cried because she had lost so many people to death and now she had finally found it herself she couldn't see them. She cried because she was lost.

Kate was listening on the other side of the door. She could hear someone, Ziva as she was the only one in there, crying. She knew it was wrong to pry and she also knew that the Israeli would rather die again than let Kate see her crying but she couldn't help it. Her heart went out for the younger agent and her cries cut right through her until she was pushing open the perfectly white door she was getting so sick of.

Ziva looked so small. She had always seemed larger to Kate, probably because of her personality but now she was crumpled in a heap near the perfectly white couch her tears slipping down her cheeks and onto the perfectly white floor.

She didn't know what to do. If she went in now Ziva would surely try and push her away or fight her but after hearing the gut wrenching sobs through the door she couldn't walk away. She had been watching Ziva even before her untimely death on the huge TV. The woman barely ever cried even when she was alone. Kate could count the times she had truly broken down on one hand and although she had been determined to hate the Israeli woman Kate's good heart was unable to be so mean to someone who had been through so much. Hell, she had killed herself to save her captors from finding out about NCIS. She had died for NCIS as they had all done.

With a quick breath in she walked over to the younger woman who didn't seem to notice her. She slowly pulled Ziva over until she was enveloped in Kate's warm, strong arms and finally Ziva broke down completely.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry," she sobbed over and over and Kate knew she had been since the day she arrived.

"I am too," she replied to the sobbing agent, tears slipping down her own face. "I'm sorry for everything."

Suddenly the fights seemed stupid and the name calling unnecessary. Kate tried to brush away the fast falling tears but no matter what she did they kept on falling.

She didn't know what she was crying for. Her untimely death, the fact that she was stuck with her killer's sister, the fact that said sister had killed her killer and now felt guilty about it for eternity. Maybe it was for the fact that Kate was drawn to Ziva in a way she couldn't describe and that the woman's sobs cut right through her and her own pain and for the first time she felt what it might be like to lose everyone like Ziva had. She felt so lost, like the only thing holding her to the perfectly white world they now lived in was the sobbing woman she was clinging on to.

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_Okay possible OC but I think that if that happened to you it might change your thoughts and actions about life....or death...._

_REVIEW! Jules_


	7. Chapter 7

A.N. A very short chapter with a longer break in between but I am stuck with how to get to my ending which I already have written so please review and keep me encouraged because I really want to finish this and I hope you want me to =)

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone

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_She didn't know what she was crying for. Her untimely death, the fact that she was stuck with her killer's sister, the fact that said sister had killed her killer and now felt guilty about it for eternity. Maybe it was for the fact that Kate was drawn to Ziva in a way she couldn't describe and that the woman's sobs cut right through her and her own pain and for the first time she felt what it might be like to lose everyone like Ziva had. She felt so lost, like the only thing holding her to the perfectly white world they now lived in was the sobbing woman she was clinging on to._

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They slowly got up, their eyes roaming all over the perfectly white room, awkwardly trying to avoid each other. For Kate, holding Ziva was a definite drawback to hating her and for Ziva it was just another reason for Kate to think of her as weak. So they danced around each other and no one pushed it sending the awkward bubble that seemed to surround both of them.

Finally Paula, after sitting in the perfectly white room with the stony pair for an hour finally exploded.

"Just say something would you!" she yelled, her eyes the only thing showing how nervous their silence was really making her.

Kate continued staring in front of her, not seeing anything while Ziva turned her dark and oh so direct gaze onto her.

"What do you want to talk about? About how I was bitch to you? About you and Tony? About _me_ and Tony? Maybe about how you died or how I died? Or maybe how I am stuck here with you for the rest of eternity?"

Her outburst seemed to have shocked Kate of her staring contest with the perfectly white wall and she suddenly jumped up and stormed out of the perfectly white door that Ziva couldn't get through no matter how hard she tried.

Paula turned back to her and her gaze was so much calmer than Ziva's crazy one.

"How did you die?" she asked and Ziva felt the question float through her ears right down into her soul. It was a personal question, not to everyone but definitely for her. How was she supposed to justify killing herself?

"It was justified," she started, her eyes locked on the door trying to sort through the mess in her head. "NCIS was my family and I wasn't going to give them up but I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. If I killed myself then the information I knew would die with me. I was so close to death anyway that last step was easy. Too easy," she added, her voice trailing away while her eyes blurred at the memories. "And what about you Agent Cassidy, why did you die?"

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_Review please? Jules._


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